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The dim light of dawn breaking through lit Koujaku's room as he snuffed out his cigarette. Beni was powered off, set on the windowsill to face outside.
It had come to this.
Every time he looked into the mirror nowadays, the parts of him he hated glared back at him. The anger he inherited from his father, that damned tattoo…and how he would betray Aoba time and time again.
Koujaku looked at the pills in his hand. The dosage should be right, and when taken with alcohol... It was bound to work. He took a shaky breath. If this was to fail... he would never hear the end of it. The primal terror of knowing he was not coming back from this was at the forefront of his mind but...he had enough. He was in pain enough as is.
Sooner or later his tattoo would engulf his entire self, and then... Koujaku shook his head.
Just one more selfish act.
With shaky hands, he turned his coil off, placing it on the nightstand. Then, grabbing and swallowing the assortment of pills with the aid of alcohol with minimal difficulty, Koujaku settled into bed, and fell into a dreamless sleep, feeling like his body was no longer as heavy as it used to be.
It wasn't a violent death, like what Koujaku had thought would originally come to him. A couple hours after his breathing stopped, the doorbell rang.
Mizuki had heard from Benishigure that Koujaku had still not shown up, and he wasn't answering calls. Mizuki knew he hadn't messed around with women after Aoba got together with his ditzy white haired boyfriend, probably gaining a conscience or something.
So he had to be home, right?
After the fourth try of ringing the doorbell, Mizuki decided he needed to use his spare key to get inside. It was only for emergencies but..it was likely Koujaku could've fallen and hit his head in the bathroom or something. That could be dangerous...
Mizuki walked in and there was an unsettling quiet in the house. Not even Beni was responsive? There was a smell of incense in the air, along with something like alcohol. "Koujaku?" Mizuki called out, taking off his shoes before walking in further. There were a couple of dishes in the sink, but Koujaku's kitchen was pristine, otherwise. Something in Mizuki's body was screaming at him to stop and call someone but... He didn't.
Mizuki opened the door to the bedroom, peeking his head in. He saw Koujaku's sleeping figure on the bed but. Something was wrong. Maybe it was his position, or maybe it was the situation. He looked uncanny.
"Koujaku...?" Mizuki tried, walking in carefully. There were a few bottles of hard liquor on the floor, along with nondescript bottles of pills that were seemingly empty. "Kou..jaku?" Mizuki's voice wavered as he came closer to the pale figure. Koujaku wasn't breathing.
Mizuki jumped to check his pulse, coming away with nothing. Calling the emergency number, Mizuki began resuscitation attempts, but Koujaku was cold to the touch. It was far too late, wasn't it?
Mizuki swallowed, the tears beginning to fall without his control. Shit... how would he explain this to Aoba? How could he-
Once the ambulance came, Mizuki was hysterical, but his tears had stopped. He was probably in shock. The first person he called as they wheeled Koujaku away was Aoba.
"..Aoba? You need to come to Koujaku's place...it's urgent."
He fought through his emotions to speak coherently enough for Aoba to understand. Then he let the floodgates open.
Dread cold in Aoba's chest, he hurried to Koujaku's home, not far away to begin with as he had just delivered something nearby. There was an ambulance leaving from the direction but...surely that wasn't for...?
The cold, clammy sweat on Aoba's back only doubled, and he sped up into a sprint. Mizuki was sitting on the stairs of Koujaku's home, head in his hands. His shoulders were shaking and Aoba nearly fell over running to him.
"Mizuki!!" He yelled, louder than he thought he would. Mizuki's crumpled face told Aoba everything he needed to know just by looking. He fell to his knees. "Oh god...Mizuki...what happened? Where's Koujaku...?" Aoba caught his breath, kneeling in front of Mizuki.
The older man shook his head, his head returning to his hands. Aoba had never seen him sob like this. Not even during the incident with Scrap. He was inconsolable then but...now he had his wits about him and he was almost worse.
"Mizuki, please tell me. I need to know." Aoba's voice was terribly raw, as he clung to Mizuki's sleeves. He was tearing up himself.
Mizuki's bloodshot eyes looked up at Aoba. "I'm so sorry Aoba...I tried but...he wouldn't wake up...oh god he's-" Mizuki choked on his words, hands coming to his hair and pulling. Aoba couldn't decipher his words. "But he's not...he's not dead is he? He's just unconscious..right? …Mizuki!" Aoba's dread only worsened, and Mizuki shook his head again. "He's- I'm so sorry Aoba I tried everything- Even the first responders-" Mizuki sobbed even louder, unable to say the word weighing heavily in the air, pulling Aoba into a desperate hug.
Aoba didn't know if his heart could take something like this. Clear had died, but only momentarily. But Koujaku...his hero, his childhood friend. The one person that stayed consistent from that time along with granny...
A deafening wail was heard in the neighborhood. Aoba's whole body shook as he doubled over. How fucking could he.
How could he leave Aoba behind like this? That selfish bastard. How...
Aoba didn't know how he got home, but when his woke up he felt dehydrated. His eyes were swollen... Koujaku...oh god...
Aoba felt like throwing up but he couldn't. A sound rang across the room and Aoba's head snapped to the direction of it. Clear.
"Aoba-san..." His voice was unusually quiet, picking up on the mood, as he slowly moved to kneel beside the bed, to hold Aoba's hand. Clear looked like he wished to say more but he closed his mouth, lifting Ren on the bed instead. The robotic dog silently walked over and laid down on top of the man, very unlike himself. "You should drink some water." Clear finally spoke, bringing a glass of water to Aoba's lips. He made no effort to move his arms, so Clear patiently helped him drink, pulling the water away just as Aoba closed his mouth again.
Aoba opened his mouth to speak, but only a weak rasp could be heard. He tried again.
"I feel like...I woke up from a bad dream...but it's not a dream, is it?" Aoba's eyes teared up again. Clear's eyes looked so incredibly sad as he shook his head softly. "I'm so sorry, Aoba." He dropped the honorific this once, reaching to comfort Aoba as he cried weakly. His eyes were so swollen and red, it hurt to cry. But there was nothing he could do but cry.
"I've informed Haga-san you won't be coming to work for a little while...it'll do some good to rest." Clear spoke softly, afraid Aoba would shatter completely. Aoba sniffled, nodding. He pulled Clear up on the bed, needing the full body contact. Clear was happy to give whatever he could to bring Aoba relief.
The scream he had heard...it was unlike anything Aoba had ever produced before. Back then, when he stabbed himself to save Aoba...he made a similar sound. But this time it was angry. Aoba wasn't only grieving. He was angry.
Clear understood.
Mizuki hadn't been in any better shape on those stairs, when Clear went to pick Aoba up. He was muttering to himself, completely incoherent. Clear carried Aoba, and helped Mizuki to Tae where she took him in for an evaluation.
Last he heard, Mizuki's head had cleared up, at least a little bit. He was still upset, of course. He was momentarily set up in their guest room. The toll on his mind from the failed Scrap on him was probably not making things easier.
Tae found out too, that way. Her face was a mix of shock and sadness. Like she herself had lost a grandson. No tears were shed with people around but...Clear could hear her, at night. To have an old woman sob so pitifully...Koujaku would be ashamed if he knew. If he was alive to know.
The next morning, two days after Koujaku's death, Mizuki set out to Benishigure territory. He was still shaky and felt like he would break down any moment now...but they had to know. Benishigure members had been calling him ever since... asking for updates.
"Mizuki!" Kou's friendly face appeared before him, and he snapped out of his train of thought.
"Kou. There's something I need to tell everyone. It's about Koujaku." "What? Something Koujaku can't come tell us himself?" Kou laughed a little, before realizing how incredibly serious Mizuki's face was.
"No way, did he get into trouble? Is he badly hurt?" "This is...not the place to discuss. Please just call everyone over." Mizuki shook his head, fighting back the tears. His voice wavered. Kou nodded, making a message and sending it to all members before walking Mizuki to their main hub.
Mizuki was dreading this. He was the leader of a different Rib team, here to inform these people that their leader had committed suicide...it almost made him sick.
Once everyone was there, Mizuki could feel all their eyes on him.
"I'm sorry for interrupting your day. But there's something incredibly important I need to tell you." Mizuki started, his voice unsure and emotional. He took a breath. "Koujaku is... He...oh god." Mizuki broke down. "When I went to check on him...I was too late... and I want to apologize to everyone here that he..." Mizuki sobbed. Kou placed a hand on his shoulder.
"He's...dead...the first responders confirmed it...he'd been dead since 5.42 AM that day I was called to go check up on him..." Mizuki buried his face and bowed, moving to sit down, trembling with every sob. The unease in the crowd rose, members looking to each other for confirmation they heard correctly. But there was no way Mizuki was lying if he was crying like that.
A moment of silence was held, each member either weeping silently or shell shocked from the news. They were now planning a funeral for the man.
News of Koujaku's tragic death were shared in his territory, spreading to the women frequenting his services.
A week later, Aoba had returned to work, but he had a hollow look to him, Haga-san deciding to only have him part time for the moment. Aoba would still get paid full time. There was no consoling him at night, but Clear made sure to hold him through whenever Aoba needed him.
Koujaku's funeral was to be held in a couple days. It was official. His reason of death was ruled as an overdose. More specifically, a suicide. The news carried a heavy burden to all those who heard of it, including his team's members. And Aoba.
He had never even thought Koujaku might've needed help...god, he felt so selfish. When he was grieving the loss of Clear, assuming he was never to be fixed, Koujaku was there to support him.
So where was he? When Koujaku needed him, why was he elsewhere? Aoba had considered taking some drastic actions against himself during the week after Koujaku's death, but Clear always brought him back to reality.
Mink and Noiz had most likely heard the news too. Noiz had rsvp'd about coming to the funeral, despite him and Koujaku never really having gotten along. He almost had manners, the way he had responded.
Mink...Aoba hadn't heard from him. It was probably better that way.
Then there was the case with Koujaku's belongings. Mizuki and Aoba received Koujaku's inheritance, the sickening feeling of him having planned this in advance sinking into Aoba's guts. Aoba had received Beni, and his Coil, along with his mother's hairpin. Mizuki received Koujaku's collection of fancy alcohols, along with a few other expensive items.
Aoba smoothed over the feathers of the small sparrow, his eyes unable to tear up any longer. There was only a dull pain that pounded in his head, behind his eyes.
"Aoba, are you ready to power him on?" Ren's robotic voice cut through the quiet air.
Aoba nodded. "Mn. It's worth a try."
Powering Beni on, Aoba braced himself. Beni's eyes flashed open and he looked around with confusion. "Aoba?? How come I'm here-" Beni stopped talking as the information updated. "My link with Koujaku... What is the meaning of this??" Beni squawked, flapping his tiny wings in fury. The chip in Koujaku's head was deactivated as soon as his body wouldn't power it...so it made sense the link between him and his allmate was cut.
Aoba huffed, feeling like he had to cry again. "I'm sorry Beni...He's gone." He shook his head, unable to face the small creature. "Gone? Gone where??" Beni cocked his head. "Beni. He has passed." Ren spoke up, beginning to share the news article with the other allmate while Aoba did his best to keep it together. Crying in front of Beni would be... ugh.
Beni was unnaturally silent for a while, blinking and looking down. "I can't believe it..." The allmate spoke, quieter than he had before. "So, why was I activated? To be rebooted?" Beni asked. He was an older model, meaning his link being cut didn’t mean he was automatically rebooted to a neutral state, unlike the newer allmates.
"No, Beni. We'd like to have you around. Do you have any information as to what could've caused Koujaku's mental decline?" Ren asked, the clinical way of putting it making Aoba cringe. Seriously, there was no way to notice Koujaku had been any different. He was completely normal when they last saw eachother...
Beni thought for a moment. "I'm afraid those memories have been deleted...I'm sure there was something but... I'll need some time to process." Beni shook his head, fluttering off from Aoba's hands to a corner, sitting down to go into power-saving mode. Ren sighed, and looked at Aoba.
"I'm sorry, Aoba. I'll try to see if his coil had anything. Please don't stress yourself further."
"Stress myself?" Aoba asked, his eyes wet. "How can I not be stressed when my best friend killed himself without any notice??" His voice was wavering. Aoba immediately snapped out of it, realizing he had snapped at his companion. "I’m sorry, Ren. I think I need a nap. Please call Clear and tell him he should come here when he can..." Aoba shook his head, petting the dog lightly.
"Don't worry. You have a good reason to be irritable." Ren muttered, before calling Clear.
The day of the funeral, Aoba looked into the mirror at the gaunt, small figure staring back at him. His hair was a mess, something Koujaku would've never allowed. The black clothes brought out the fact he had horribly dark undereyes, having stayed up many nights watching useless drama shows to distract himself.
He took the time and effort to brush it out and put it up in a high pony, something Koujaku would've been proud of. After all, it was incredibly difficult to style his hair when he could feel each strand individually...it hurt. But now, it was dull. There was no more feeling in his hair. Aoba almost wished there was.
Sticking in Koujaku’s hairpin he had received stung a little, as he looked at the beautifully crafted wooden object. It didn't belong with him. But Koujaku wanted him to keep it.
Clear was dressed in black, something completely unheard of, and carried Beni on his shoulder. Ren was in his arms.
Arriving at the funeral, despite his dread, Aoba could see familiar faces. Mizuki was the first to come to him, pulling him into a firm hug. Aoba returned it, knowing that Mizuki had been hurt as much as he was. God, he even found Koujaku like that...
Mizuki looked at Clear, and then at Beni on his shoulder. He gave a small nod, instead of speaking. It was best to stay quiet before they had to make speeches.
Aoba, frankly, had nothing solid prepared. He had written down some general words he had for Koujaku, their past...but it all hurt too much to think about.
Noiz actually made an appearance, and even wore a black suit. His face didn't fit the body he had, now, his young features very prominent compared to the businessman aesthetic. He looked indifferent, but he wouldn't have bothered to come if he really thought this was useless. Aoba didn't care to know his reason.
And another rare sight. Mink was standing in a corner, pipe in hand. Even he was dressed in black, although it wasn't a suit. The only pops of color were the jewelry he wore.
Aoba could've sworn he saw Mink mutter something to himself with his eyes closed, like he was praying.
It was a nice sentiment, if that was what he was doing.
Aoba looked forward as the funeral service began, the one chosen to speak was Kou. He was the perfect mix of close but not too close to not completely break down mid service. Not to mention he was the main driving force to hold the funeral. Him and Hagima were looking to share the spot of leader, something Mizuki encouraged when asked. But it wasn't something carved in stone yet.
In the crowd, many women were already crying. Koujaku's clients and the people he had helped took up most of the crowd, along with the entirety of Benishigure.
Aoba and Mizuki were probably the only people that knew Koujaku outside of these...personas. But not even they could see what he had going on. A strange older man was also in the crowd, someone Aoba didn't recognize. He was only distinct because of his appearance.
Could've been his family from the mainland.
Aoba's speech came up quicker than he hoped it would. His legs shook, and his mouth got bone dry. Fuck, seriously...now was not the time to have stage fright.
When he went up, he brought Beni and Ren with him, Ren was mostly for moral support, Beni was there for Koujaku.
Aoba didn't break down into tears when explaining how he and Koujaku met, as children. About his sweet mother. About the way he had saved Aoba on multiple occasions from neighborhood bullies.
Aoba felt sick to his stomach when he got to the part about how as adults, they had reconnected, and how Koujaku had changed so much, but at the same time he was still the same kid he was long ago. That he was a wonderful guy who helped many.
And how much it will hurt to outgrow him now.
Aoba couldn't continue, walking off the stage with tears heavy in his eyes and his stomach felt like lead. Clear met him halfway, helping him outside. He was still within earshot for Mizuki's speech but he couldn't have all those people see him cry. Not like that.
Unfortunately for Aoba, there was still an audience outside. Noiz and Mink, an unlikely pair, were just outside the door as well, smoking. They had a solemn air to them.
"Aoba." Noiz noticed him, walking towards him as he snuffed out his cigarette. Aoba wasn't surprised he smoked. He was, however, surprised Noiz was calling him by his name. The surprises didn't end there, as Noiz stopped in front of him, bowing his head slightly. "My condolences." He spoke, unnaturally polite. Aoba sniffled. "What made you gain manners all of a sudden? Didn't you hate him?" Aoba asked without any reservations, just dead tired of thinking about consequences.
Noiz blinked a couple of times, before looking away. "I didn't hate him. We simply didn't get along. But I'll still pay my respects, it's only customary." Noiz shook his head as he spoke, looking at the ground. He had a slightly dazed expression to him. Mink sighed and tapped his pipe. "The kid isn't lying. That's why both of us are here." He was further away, like getting closer would burn him.
Aoba furrowed his brows a little, but shook his head. "Mn. I appreciate it.” He spoke, uncharacteristically quiet. Mink put his pipe away, opening his mouth to speak, each word carefully chosen. “It will take time for your emotions to settle.” He had a solemn tone, not exactly warm but…something within Mink had changed as well.
Aoba couldn't speak, nodding while holding his tears back. Clear’s hand had never left his back, stroking it lightly. “Aoba-san…I think it's alright to let yourself cry, okay?” Clear spoke lightly, looking at Aoba with worried eyes. It nearly broke Aoba, but he shook his head stubbornly.
“I can't.” His mouth felt increasingly dry. “I have to get through this, okay?” His eyes burned in that familiar way but he held it together.
“Be stubborn if you want, but holding back won't help you.” Noiz shrugged, and Aoba didn't have the energy to respond.
Aoba didn't cry at Koujaku’s funeral, not properly. The rest of the day had been a struggle, Aoba only wishing he could've been in bed sobbing instead of having to stay presentable there. But it was important for him to attend. For closure. Or something like that.
A few weeks later, Aoba was returning to work full time. But he still felt hollow. There was a Koujaku sized hole in the community and he noticed it every time he woke up.
That was to check Koujaku’s coil.
Clear was at work, while Aoba was home on his computer. Ren on his lap, he booted up the coil. No password. He had been planning to leave it, after all. All his secrets out in the open. Aoba didn't dare check the messages. Nor the call log. His finger hovered over the “Notes” application all coils came with pre-installed. From the activity log on the machine Aoba could see it was the most recent thing open.
He braced himself, and opened a text file. It was untitled, but Aoba was surprised to find it was addressed to him.
Aoba,
I’m sorry it turned out this way.
There's something within me that I can't allow to continue to exist. It lives in my skin and seeped into my heart and soul and the more I try to fight it the deeper it gets. I can't afford to hurt another person.
I originally didn't plan to return to the island. I thought I would go through with this back in the mainland. You could've forgotten me. But I got selfish, came back and now I'm leaving you behind.
I hope you can forgive me.
Koujaku
Aoba’s eyes stung, and he wasn't sure if he was more angry or sad. Setting down the coil, Aoba curled up into a ball, knees up to his chest as he sat there.
“You're so fucking selfish…I can't even tell you that much.” Aoba buried his head in his hands, desperately keeping his tears from falling. It was like the wound caused by Koujaku’s death was ripped back open.
Something within Aoba resonated as he began to cry, a headache quickly developing, worsening by the second.
It was his Desire. Sly. The part of him that came out the time his parents had left him behind, now came out as the realization that Koujaku had abandoned him as well came to him. ”Give the reigns to me, I will help you.” The thought came from within, and Aoba was so bone tired he simply gave in.
Sly emerged, tired, his face covered in snot and tears. He felt like shit, coming forth taking a lot of his energy. But first he closed the note Koujaku had left him, fighting the urge to simply delete it. He had been fond of Koujaku, too.
He got up, his limbs almost dragging behind him.
Moving towards the bed, Sly sat down, grabbing Ren to sleep by his side, and laid down to nap.
He didn't think, it took too much effort. Aoba did that enough as is.
But sleep didn't come to him.
Sly sighed, moving a hand through his hair and pulling. It didn't have as much feeling in it anymore.
It wasn't enough, and this made the man agitated. Sly got off the bed and walked over to his workstation, looking through the drawers for anything to use.
His hand stopped on a boxcutter he had accidentally brought home from work, and he picked it up, walking back to his bed and sitting down. His heart beat a bit faster, and he brought the blade to his wrist, pressing down on the white unmarked skin hard enough to draw blood.
Sliding the blade along, Sly scrutinized the way his skin parted, bringing the blade to a different spot and continuing the process.
His mind blanked, blood dripping down from his arm to his lap. But he was pulled from his thoughts as a deep voice in the room rang out.
“Aoba. Please stop what you are doing.” Ren had activated, Sly didn't know when. Wiping the blade to his black pants, he set it aside with annoyance clear on his face. He clicked his tongue. He would have to start again, this didn't feel right.
“Aoba isn't here. Not that Aoba.” Sly spoke, pressing a wad of napkins to soak up the blood.
“Ah. I’m sorry.” Ren seemed surprised to see him, a bit taken aback. “I wish you wouldn't harm yourself. Have you planned on explaining it to Tae? Or Clear?” Ren brought up, and Sly scoffed. “Like they would find out. Mind your business, dog, this is just how I deal with things while Aoba is gone.”
“Will Aoba come back?” Ren asked, after a short pause. “Mn. Yeah probably.” Sly shrugged.
He looked down at the small form on the bed, pitiful and almost sad looking. “You’ll have to deal with me for now.” Sly spoke again, picking him up on his lap, looking at the dog’s face with a strange residual fondness. Ren nodded.
Tucking the box cutter away under his mattress, Sly rolled his sleeves down and settled back down, caressing Ren before wrapping him in his arms, Ren going into sleep mode with him. Curling up to a ball, the dull stinging of his actions lulled him to sleep easily.
Fairly late into the day, Aoba woke up.
Clear had fallen asleep next to his bed, leaning against it while seated on the floor. His eyes fluttered open as Aoba moved to look at him. “Ah! Aoba-san...!” Clear was delighted to see the man, reaching up to caress his face. Aoba blinked a few times, feeling deeply confused. His body didn't feel right.
"Clear...Koujaku's note..he wrote something..." His voice was hoarse, and he rubbed his eyes. His arm hurt, and unconsciously...he knew what had happened. But when he checked his arm, he found it bandaged and pristine, very unlike Sly's work. Clear gave it a quick glance, being the one having wrapped up Aoba.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there, Aoba." Clear shook his head, looking at Ren's sleeping body. "You have been asleep for quite a while. Tae-san said it happened once before. You were dead asleep for nearly two full days." Clear brought a hand to his heart.
"I was terrified, Aoba." Clear's voice trembled, and he burst into tears.
Aoba let out a soft sound, slowly getting up to hug him.
"I'm sorry."