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Everyone has experienced their first love at some point in their life. Many hope it happens soon, while others no longer care if it does or not. People in love feel that they need love to live, while some just appreciate love as a common aspect of human existence. James Buchanan Barnes is one of those individuals who only knows that love is a beautiful feeling. He genuinely has no idea if he’s ever had his first love in his over one hundred years of life. Bucky remembers having girlfriends in his childhood and teenage years, and he was sincere with all of them, not accustomed to staying with just one. He never felt the most defining characteristics of love— the butterflies in the stomach, the pounding heart, the warmth in the body along with flushed cheeks.
When he met Steve Grant Rogers, he even thought that maybe this could be his “first love.” His friend was handsome, intelligent, and despite his short stature, very brave and determined. And he never gave up on him, he created a war and broke his comfort zone just to protect him. But still, looking at his best friend, he felt attracted, and his chest felt like a drum. However, it still didn’t seem right. It didn’t seem like the kind of love that would leave you lost, with your body burning, your heart in chaos, and your pupils dilated. Bucky still didn’t know what it meant to love.
However, when Barnes fled from his fate, and Steve pursued him, he met Sam Thomas Wilson. At first, he hated him with all his strength. The dark-skinned man was extremely unbearable and annoying; Bucky had no patience to deal with him and only tolerated him because of his best friend. After all, they were part of a team, and all of this was for him—besides the Sokovia Accords, of course. But when Steve was gone, and James found himself completely alone in a world he hadn’t yet had the chance to familiarize himself with, he felt immensely forgotten, in the darkness. But the blonde wouldn’t leave him there, with no one. He knew very well that Bucky didn’t handle loneliness well, and even though he hated Sam Wilson’s company, and Sam hated his, there they were.
However, if Steve Rogers trusted Wilson enough to make him Captain America—such an important position, an inspiration—he must have believed that the man was a good person. The dark-skinned man never wanted to admit it, but he was aware that Falcon was very attractive, with his ebony skin, eyes black as onyx, and his incredibly beautiful and glowing body. However, nothing compared to the fullness of his lips. Sam’s lips were full and apparently soft. He didn’t know for sure. He never had the chance to find out, and probably wouldn’t ask. Even though that hatred still lingered in his chest, he felt more at ease being around him.
Little by little, they became friends, even though they still had their doubts. Even though the therapies weren’t the most pleasant thing in the world. Bucky trusted Sam. He just had a hard time saying it. However, he only became certain that Sam Wilson deserved to be Captain America when someone doubted his friend’s ability. One day, in the middle of their missions, the last thing they needed happened—Sam suffered a racially motivated crime by some police officers. White like Barnes. He felt bad, unbearably bad, as if seeing that action awakened a strong feeling of anger and protection. As if he finally understood that Sam was the person the world needed as the hero of America. Bucky took the lead, his blue eyes hidden by red shadows and electric sparks, his steps tight as he approached that officer.
His voice came out incredibly rough, and his eyebrows furrowed, leaving wrinkles on his forehead.
“Do you know who he is?”
How could that damn man not know that the young guy in front of him, with such divine and brownish skin, was the great Captain America? James even felt offended because Sam was too important to let this slip by. The officer’s companion whispered in his ear, telling him who Sam was. And finally, he apologized. However, what he did wasn’t just a situation—it was a crime. And Bucky was furious as he saw the sad expression on Wilson’s face take over. He wanted to protect him, hug him, make him understand how special he was. But he didn’t have the courage. So, he simply let his hand rest on his shoulder affectionately. Sam’s tempestuous eyes calmed when they met his, as if the blue consumed the darkness of his sadness and gave birth to a bright black stone. He could see his irises shine for him, and that made his heart beat so fast.
And that’s when he discovered. Heart racing. Red face. Butterflies in his stomach. Warm body. Dilated pupils. James Buchanan Barnes had experienced his first love. He was completely in love with Sam Thomas Wilson, Captain America. After that, everything became clear to Bucky; it was like life was a little more beautiful knowing that he was in love. However, it was hard to hide that feeling. He had to provoke and let Wilson think that he still hated him.
However, it was so difficult to hold back when he spent a few days at Wilson’s house. When he got so close to his best friend that he didn’t know how to breathe anymore. The worst of it all was sleeping in the same room and not being able to wrap him in his arms. It was hard to conquer first love because it wasn’t just anyone. It wasn’t just another person you kissed and let go of; Bucky wanted the man for his whole life. Forever. Even though he didn’t know how much time he had left to live, even with insecurities about his body, even with his constant nightmares and fear of hurting someone he loved. Barnes wanted Sam, and he hoped Sam wanted him too.
James felt like he belonged to a place in a way he never had since he was thawed. Sam’s family was loving, outgoing, and didn’t let him feel down. At night, it was when his anxiety attacked because it was the time for his nightmares, and when he could see Sam so close to him but at the same time so far. Wilson said he didn’t mind sharing the same bed with him; they were friends and close by the end, even with Barnes insisting that he had those troublesome dreams that made him aggressive and fearful in the middle of the night. Captain America still didn’t mind.
Even anxious, Bucky managed to close his eyes. However, at three in the morning, he had the nightmares again that confused and disturbed his mind. He woke up, gasping for air, with cold sweat running down his face. He could feel other drops falling down his face, but they were tears from the worst dream he had ever had in his life. In that damn vision, Barnes was strangling Sam, killing him in the slowest, most torturous way. Sam screamed for him to stop, but he didn’t. Bucky was being a murderer again, killing the person he loved most in life. It was the worst thing he could have dreamed, the coldest and hardest imagination that destroyed every piece of his heart. Bucky was scared, his mechanical arm gripping the bed tightly while the other was trembling, stretched out to the ceiling. He held onto it tightly and felt like he was falling into a tank of deep water.
Until a warm hand touched his skin, making his body shiver, and a kind of calmness passed through him. He heard Sam’s hoarse voice in his ears, like a comfortably beautiful melody. He woke up from hell, coming into a sky, a paradise he never thought he could be in after everything he had gone through. His fearful eyes scanned the room, looking for a glimpse of hope, hope that came from onyx-black irises searching to release deeper feelings from within his heart.
“Bucky.”
Buzzing entered his ears, trying to take him back to the alley. The alley of sadness and irregularity. Where James’s world wasn’t happy because he was again that murderer without conscience, killing without scruples, where he killed Tony Stark’s parents and so many innocent people. And in his dream, he shoved his big metal fingers into the neck of his first love. Bucky screamed, he screamed, trying to get all that out of his mind, his hand gripping something. And suddenly, the dark-skinned man heard a sharp groan echo through the room. Barnes felt a shiver of worry run down his spine.
“Bucky. Open your eyes.”
The rough, comfortably beautiful voice spoke again. The Winter Soldier didn’t even realize that his eyes were now closed so tightly that they could go inside him. He screamed once more, asking for help, while the groans still echoed.
“Bucky!”
Now it sounded muffled, almost nonexistent, and then the hand touched his skin again, grasping his waist, with a little effort, another slid through his hair, leaving it there as a way to calm him down. Sam. Sam. That’s what was running through his mind. Barnes breathed deeply, and tears slid down his cheeks. He wanted to see Sam, he wanted to see his first love. He wouldn’t kill him, he would never kill him. He slowly opened his eyes, letting his head tilt to the side where Wilson was, who was looking at him, gripping his arm tightly as he was strangled, his cheeks already flushed, almost purple, eyes a little wide. James immediately let go of him, letting him fall onto the bed. Sam tried to catch his breath, breathing deeply several times. The moonlight was shining on his velvet skin, and the blue-eyed man tried to understand where he was and what he had done. He had almost really killed the guy who loved him.
“Bucky.” The voice said again. Now, knowing it was Sam, he paid attention and stared at him, crying silently. “It’s okay, I’m okay.”
"I almost killed you, for real." Barnes finally spoke, his voice hoarse and his speech struggling, barely moving. "Like in my nightmare."
"But you didn’t kill me, you’ll never kill me, Bucky. You’ve changed, it wasn’t you, you were being controlled. You’re safe now."
"I’m not. I won’t be." he murmured repeatedly, now hugging his own legs, rocking back and forth. "I’m sorry, Sam. Forgive me."
Sam took a deep breath and hugged his shoulder, pulling him close to his chest. Letting him cry against his body, his fingers gently stroking through his hair. Bucky was in tears, but he was safe, because he was in the arms of his first love. They stayed in that position for a few minutes. James was strong and heavy, but the Captain didn’t care, he held his shoulder tightly, his arms letting him feel truly at peace. After some time, the brunette opened his eyes and sighed softly, creating some distance. Sam looked at him for a few seconds before grabbing his hand tightly, their fingers intertwining, day and night blending into each other.
"You’re not alone, Bucky. I’m with you now, okay? There’s nothing in the world that will make us stay apart." he started, his chest unsettled by the worry for James. Barnes looked at him, his heart calmer, trying to push away the images of him strangling the man of his life. "Hey, it’s okay."
James Barnes breathed slowly, letting the fear slip away as if little holes were being made in his body. He closed his eyes, squeezing them shut, then opening them again. He looked at Sam and nodded. Safe. He was safe.
"I’m sorry, Sam." he answered softly, adjusting himself on the bed, feeling the sweaty skin, which bothered him. "For waking you up and... almost killing you."
"It’s nothing. We’re safe. Okay?"
Bucky stared at him once more and stood up, swallowing the mixed feelings, wanting to speak, wanting to thank him, to show how much he cared for Wilson. The man didn’t understand why Barnes got up so suddenly. He knew the older man’s head was confused, wanted to know what he was thinking, what he would do next, so he approached him, positioning himself in front of him, both facing the window, with moonlight entering and reflecting on their bodies, on their different-colored skins, making Sam even more beautiful in James' eyes. Captain America smiled, trying to reassure him. And the Winter Soldier seemed so lost. He stared, their irises meeting, and his voice wanted to come out as quickly as his eyes met Sam’s. Until a spark of courage hit his head.
"You’re my first love."
"What?"
"You, Sam. You’re my first love." the brunette swallowed hard, as soon as he finished the sentence, realizing his black cheeks were turning red. "I don’t know how it happened... it just did, and I know it’s probably not reciprocated. But I wanted to say it, because loving you is what keeps me alive, Sam."
Samuel blinked, shocked. He never imagined in his life that he could be loved by James Buchanan Barnes, especially because he loved him too. He pushed that feeling deep inside himself because, in his mind, it would never be returned. Bucky had another life, was from a different time, knew nothing about current experiences, sexuality, or whatever it was. Wilson felt horrible and ridiculous jealousy when he saw Barnes flirting with some women during some missions. But seeing that love was returned, it was too much for him. The younger man felt his heart race so fast, and his face was so red, he could feel the warmth in his skin. What could he do? What should he say? No, Bucky wasn’t his first love. However, he was the only one who made him feel that way, lost, messy, happy, exploding with so many emotions, his heart disoriented. Sam had hated him at first, but now he was in love. Steve had left him with the person who gave him the strength to hold his shield. To be Captain America.
"Sam? Say something, please, don’t leave me like this." Bucky said, completely nervous. Wilson took a deep breath and nodded, looking all over his face before letting a shy smile touch his lips.
"I feel the same way, Bucky. I... for a long time, I denied it to myself, because Captain America, gay and black? That would never work." he bit the top of his mouth and clenched his fist. "I never thought this would be returned. Because you are... you’re an enigma."
"I never thought I’d love someone like this, Sam. You’re my first love, I’ve never loved anyone."
"I love you, Bucky. You’re not the first, but you’re my only one. The only one I’m truly sure will work." his hand grabbed Bucky’s, and he smiled, his blue eyes shining with crystal-clear tears. "And I’ll never, ever let you go."
"Sam." he said, emotions exploding inside him, his soft fingers touching his flushed and shy cheeks.
"Hi, Bucky."
"Thank you for being you. You’re my Captain America." Sam gave a huge smile, closing his eyes, and Barnes loved his laugh. And all his smiles.
"And you’re my love, Bucky. Thank you for not giving up on everything and staying with me. I’ll always take care of you." Wilson held his hands, even the robotic one, placing it on his face, and kissed his hand, lips on warm skin.
The Winter Soldier stared at their expressions, and the white smile that personified who he really was. The brunette slowly leaned in, his mouth dry, and his chest burning, feeling like he had a fever. Sam Wilson looked absolutely majestic under the moonlight, his golden skin like a starry night. And Bucky Barnes had the coldest and warmest blue eyes that ever existed in life — and didn’t even know if that was possible. They laughed when they got so close to each other, their foreheads touching, a small sound ringing. Their noses touched, and they sighed together. An Eskimo kiss was made by Bucky, with such a sweet smile, he was intensely melted. Sam ran his hand along his jawline, feeling the beard between his fingers, and kissed the upper part of his lips, making James gasp softly, squeezing Sam’s neck. His oceanic eyes held a deep desire to kiss the younger man, and he was just stalling while the onyx stones smiled back at him. The darker-skinned man kissed the corner of his mouth, going down to the lower part, leaving gentle kisses on his chin, nose, and cheekbones.
"Just kiss me already, Sammy..." he asked in a sultry voice, and the other laughed loudly, letting his hands fall to his waist, then kissing him delicately.
Bucky could’ve set off fireworks, he practically grabbed Samuel’s face to deepen that delicate and gentle kiss that Captain America gave him. Their hearts beat strongly against their chests, and they were connected, the hairs on their bodies standing up, the butterflies growing stronger with each part of the kiss, the skin burning with love, care, and reciprocity. James Buchanan Barnes was kissing his first love. And he was absolutely in love with Captain America, and he knew that this man would hold him forever, protect him in his arms, and keep him strong forever. Samuel Thomas Wilson knew that Bucky didn’t need protection, not the way it was said, but yes, he needed love and care, a place to run to when things got tough.
And Sam would be that for him. Because even though they started with fights and disagreements, being left and consumed by the sadness of losing Steve Rogers, they knew deep down that the blonde man knew what he was doing. The former Captain America knew who they were, their values, their feelings, their lives, their good hearts, and was sure that at some point, they would come together, whether as good old best friends or as the love that bloomed between them like a flower. The lips still touching, the tongues playing between them, the hands climbing, descending, getting lost among clothes and fabrics, only proved the love between them. From one to the other. Bucky pulled away slowly, carefully and caressed his first love. Sam smiled. A smile so genuine and beautiful that James had to hold his whole face to make sure it was real.
Samuel Thomas Wilson is his first love.
And the best part of all this was that it was returned.
"Let’s honor the legacy Steve left for us. Let’s be happy to honor the love he made exist between us. I love you, Bucky. And I’ll always be here when you need me." Samuel said once again, his hand intertwined with Bucky’s, and letting the robotic arm touch his body. "I trust you. You’ll never hurt me."
"And I’ll always come back to you, Sammy. Because in your arms is where I want to be. You’re my Captain America. And I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed for trusting in me."
They hugged tightly. Bucky didn’t know how long he spent whispering that he loved him and feeling Sam smile and leave kisses on his body. James would honor his promise, he would never disappoint Sam.
Because he is his first love.
And the only.